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Post title: Ironic
A few weeks ago I had a one-on-one with my shift lead. He asked me how I felt things were going, and I was honest with him. He agreed with my observation that my focus was lacking and I wasn't doing things as quickly or efficiently as I could, and I was letting myself get distracted by non-work things or low-priority tasks.
ADD is difficult to understand, even if you have it. Americans are taught that we can do or be anything if we work hard enough, if we want it enough. I've come to understand that that's... just not true for me. Having ADD is like having an addiction to distractions. Most of the time I know exactly what I should be doing at any given point. But there's a decent chance I'm not doing that. I'm playing games, or browsing the Internet, or doing another, less-important task, or... well, the list goes on. And even when I know what I should be doing, when I said I'd do that thing, there's one more Metapicture image to look at. Or laundry I forgot I needed to do. I read all the time about non-medication ways to "treat" ADD - things like schedules, lists, or reminders. Organization and routine are always the #1 suggestions. Personally I find that kind of thing even more destructive because I don't follow through, and then the list I made is simply a chronicle of my failure.
It took me a long time to understand that I'm not failing -- rather, my ADD is undermining me. I still don't entirely buy that; it sounds like an excuse or a cop-out. I'm supposed to be smart and talented. I'm supposed to be able to do or be anything if I put my mind to it. The problem is that my mind doesn't always go along with the plan.
ADD medications are usually stimulants, and are strongly regulated (Ritalin is a class II narcotic - the same classification as cocaine, morphine, and amphetamines). Other non-pharmaceutical treatments include exercise or other physical exertion - increasing your body's activity level provides a boost of chemicals not unlike a stimulant high. The difference for someone with ADD is that stimulants don't result in hyperactivity - they let us focus our thoughts.
The day I had my one-on-one was a particularly scattered one for me, and I couldn't really think of a way to change things. I did set some new rules for myself: no non-work websites at all was the first and most important. But I still have bad days even when I don't allow myself distractions. For months I've thought about nicotine (a stimulant) as a possible "self-medication" solution, which is why that night I stopped on my way home at the Amco convenience store and bought a disposable Blu e-cigarette.
It traveled to and from work with me, still in the box. Even like that it still helped -- I still didn't want to have to "resort" to medication. Call it the nuclear option. But a few days ago, during another scattered evening, I finally cracked it open and had a couple drags. I had a bit more tonight. I don't know what the "dosing" needs to be, or if it'll even help... but hopefully it does.
In the end, I've come up with a few "tricks" to keep myself focused. They're helping, and I'm doing better at work.
- As mentioned, no non-work websites. The only things I keep open are a calorie tracker and my music, and my lead knows about both.
- I have an "emergency button" if I find myself being unproductive: turn to my lead and ask him what needs doing. It's just the right amount of "routine" - an escape valve rather than a clamp.
- I keep a Rubik's Cube at my desk (thanks Mom & Dad!). It keeps my hands busy when I'm waiting for something and might otherwise wander towards the Internet.
Interestingly enough, I think the calorie counting helps too. Eating has always been one of my distractions, but forcing myself to track every calorie I eat slows me down and makes me remember what I'm doing, and why (or why I shouldn't be). I'm chewing a lot more gum. (:
It's still a struggle, but I've got a one-on-one tomorrow and I think the situation is much improved. Here's hoping; the company will be deciding employment offers for our next projects within a month or so.
Oh, the title of this post? I was going to start writing this an hour ago, but I got stuck on Metapicture. Who would have thought? It figures.
Good night!
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